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Why Advice Giving Is Not Advisable

Jacob Gan — Sat, 08 Dec 2007 07:19:10 +0000

Often in our interactions with family and friends, problems being encountered would inevitably be brought up. Inevitably too, in trying to be helpful, we often react by giving advice on how to solve the problem. However, this is generally not recommended, for the following reasons: We assume we know what the problem is and forget to be a listener, to find out enough details about the problem and the other person’s point of view. We forget to extend empathy to the woes of the other person. We get ‘credit’ for being the one to give the advice since the advice is likely to be something that the adviser has done or others have done that was successful. So if the listener does not succeed or had done it before but it was not successful, the implication is that it is not because the advice was not good, but the listener has not applied it well. This tends to make the advisee feel stupid and incompetent. When we give advice, we’re talking ‘down’ to the other person as we become the ‘expert’. We’re so eager to talk and show our knowledge and ‘wisdom’ that we do not interact at an ‘equal’ level with the other person. We take on the position of ‘expert’ and might tend to forget that the other person also has knowledge to share with us. We are giving the message that we think the person cannot work out the solution himself. This is disempowering for the other person. We belittle the efforts that have been taken by the person. We become the evaluator of what the person has done rather than helping him/her to self-evaluate. Example of Advice Giving: A: Jolyn and I are having problems. We have been having more quarrels lately. B: Hmm… I’m always thought both of you were not suitable for each other. (B is getting credit for his prediction. B is not asking questions to find out more about A’s problems) A: Well, we were getting along pretty well. But I’ve been very busy with work recently and haven’t had time to go out with her. She feels I’m spending too much time on work. B: It shows she does not understand you (B is assuming he knows what the problem is). Maybe you should break up with her (advice giving, implying A cannot work out a solution). It could be a blessing in disguise. A: I’d be miserable. Don’t know what I’d do without her. B: You’ll get over it (B is not extending empathy to A). I did too when I broke up with Doris 2 years ago. (B is giving himself credit) A: I sent her roses to make up but it doesn’t seem to work. B: I don’t think that will work with her (evaluating what A has done). Since she wants time with you, just put aside your work and make time for her. A: I have deadlines to meet. B: Well, you have to decide what you want (this is not likely to be helpful to A’s dilemma and might make him feel stupid and incompetent instead.) Using Questions in conversations is generally more helpful as it helps the other person think through the issues that they have. Example is this conversation below: A: Jolyn and I are having problems. We have been having more quarrels lately. B: I’m sorry to hear that (extending empathy). Would you like to tell me more about it? (being a listener, to find out details of problem) A: I’ve been really busy with my work and haven’t had time to go out with her. She feels I’m spending too much time on work. B: Has it always been this way with your work? A: No, it’s these recent two months because of a big project. Deadlines to meet and other work pressures…. B: Must be tough on you…. (extending empathy to A and indirectly giving credit to A for holding up) A: Yah… but I do need to make time for Jolyn… I have been working too hard. I should ease up a bit (self evaluation). I think I’ll send her some flowers afterward and then call her for a dinner date tomorrow. (coming up with his own solutions) B: All the best … References: www.succezz.com/StresstheSilentKiller.html www.succezz.com/How2BHappy.html www.succezz.com/S2/7WaystoLiveLiftotheMax2.html

Let Your Love Be Blind

Jacob Gan — Sat, 08 Dec 2007 06:45:08 +0000

“Is love really blind?” I wonder. Having been happily married (and some of the times not so happily) for 30 years, I cannot help but ask myself more frequently whether my love is blind. Unsurprisingly to myself, the answer seems to be affirmative. How else would I have been able to go through the various difficult times in our relationship? Logic would dictate that we would have broken up by now. The next question I have been asking is whether it had been good that my love is blind. I found an interesting section in the book “An Introduction to Positive Psychology” by WC Compton with the title “Is Love Really Blind?”. What you will find in the rest of the article is based on what Compton wrote together with my thoughts. In our minds, very often, we have pictures of our partners that are inaccurate. We have what is called “positive romantic illusions” about our partners. These illusions explain why we are oblivious to the faults of our partners and so enamoured of them. While it is true that these illusions tend to fade with time, it is also true they can also strengthen with times, albeit with different characteristics. In the former, when marital problems surface, and if the illusions disappear completely, it might lead to eventual marital breakup. Fortunately, most of the times, the illusions might weaken but do not disappear completely. The remnant illusions might help to weather the storms in the relationships. In the latter case, the marriage might stay strong even though there may be many situations and incidents that might wreck a weaker relationship. We might even increase our willingness to accept many apparent faults and mistakes, and even idiosyncrasies, of our partners. Let us examine why this happens. It has been found that couples who idealized their partner’s attributes, or had exaggerated beliefs about their control over the relationship, or were overly optimistic about the future of their relationship, were happier. Their relationships were also more stable and lasted longer. These observations lead me to draw the following inferences/conclusions: It is through the positive romantic illusions about our partners that explain why we choose our partners and not someone else. The positive romantic illusions about our partner help us to stick to our partner even during bad times and under otherwise unfavourable conditions. We might continue to deliberately keep a biased positive view of our partner so as to maintain, or even enhance, the relationship. There is mutual enhancement of the positive romantic illusions that partners have for each other. People are more committed to spouses who see them in positive light. However, should the stress present in the couple’s life lead to strains in the relationship, the positive romantic illusions might begin to fall apart, leading each partner to realize they have been fooling themselves about the qualities of their partners. Without the presence of the positive romantic illusions, the relationship can then deteriorate very rapidly. Overall then, it is good for couples to maintain the positive romantic illusions they have. This way, they will remain ‘in love’ and continue to experience all the joys of romantic love. References: www.succezz.com/StresstheSilentKiller.html www.succezz.com/How2BHappy.html www.succezz.com/S2/7WaystoLiveLiftotheMax2.html

Jacob Gan — Sat, 08 Dec 2007 06:10:48 +0000

Motivation can be simply defined as the things that induce us to take certain actions or behave in a certain way. It is the why or the reason that drives a person towards a desired goal. The reasons can be categorized into something that is within us i.e. intrinsic / internal motivation, or something that is external to us i.e. extrinsic / external motivation. Internal motivation in performing a task occurs when the task in itself is experienced as rewarding and there is no need for any external reward before it is performed. Examples are love of the task, self-satisfaction, sense of achievement, relaxation purpose, etc. External motivation in performing a task occurs when the task is performed because of an external reward. Examples are praise, recognition, money, stickers, grades, material rewards, etc. Motivation can be seen as a continuum from being externally driven to becoming more internally driven. All of us start off in life being externally driven. Remember how many children are bribed with sweets or stickers, and do things to get praise from adults. But as we mature and our material needs become more satisfied, we become more internally driven. Though intrinsic motivation is generally accepted as being better as it is within the internal control of the person, external motivation is useful in helping a person initially to get on a task when he does not feel intrinsically motivated to do so. However, the excessive use of external motivation might have detrimental effects. This has been shown in research or experiments that examine the effects of external reward on an internally motivated task. The 1973 paper “Undermining children’s intrinsic interest with extrinsic rewards: A test of the overjustification hypothesis” by M Lepper, D Green & R Nisbett, reported an interesting experimental observation. During children’s free-play time, a fun drawing activity was introduced. They observed the children playing and selected those children who appeared to find intrinsic satisfaction in drawing. These children were placed under three different conditions. Condition 1: “Good Player” certificate was shown to some of the children, and asked if they would like to draw to win the certificate. Condition 2: Some children were given the opportunity to simply engage in drawing and the children were given the “Good Player” certificate unexpectedly. Condition 3: Some children simply drew without expecting or receiving any reward. Two weeks later, all these children were again allowed to engage in the drawing activity. The result was interesting. It was found that the children who chose to draw for the reward showed less interest in drawing, and also when the reward was withdrawn, these children simply stopped drawing. Children in the other two conditions showed no significant change in their interest in drawing. The result seems to suggest that the external reward of a “Good Player” certificate destroyed the original intrinsic motivation for drawing. In 1975, EL Deci reported his research findings in the paper “Intrinsic motivation”, that when people were given rewards for pursuing intrinsically satisfying goals, decreased motivation was the result. The result seems to suggest that if people already enjoy what they are doing, giving rewards for their engaging in this activity can act as a deterrent in continuing with that activity. These two reports seem to suggest that external rewards can destroy intrinsic motivation. There is therefore the danger of “overjustification” in our enthusiasm to motivate good performance through rewards. What are the lessons that we can learn in motivating our children, students or subordinates? Suggestions are: 1. Develop intrinsic motivation for tasks, e.g. by providing a safe environment for them to pursue their own interests without undue interference. 2. Encourage intrinsic motivation for tasks e.g. providing opportunities for sharing of work and of the personal satisfaction gained. 3. Provide external rewards sparingly, and without giving expectations for it. References: 1. http://www.succezz.com/S2/ForbiddenPsychologicalTactics.html 2. http://www.succezz.com/S2/Confessionsofawebsitecopywriter.html 3. http://www.succezz.com/S2/MotivateYourWayToSuccess.html

Improve Your Communication using the “I” Message Technique

Jacob Gan — Sat, 08 Dec 2007 05:37:19 +0000

Human beings are social beings and we are interacting with people every day of our life. Often, our happiness depends a great deal on how the interactions with each person turn out. This is especially true of those whom we care about e.g. in close friendships as well as in marriage. However, because each personality we deal with is unique and presents its own challenges, managing the myriad of relationships requires us to consciously observe the process and impact of our interactions so that we continue to gain knowledge, understanding and experience in developing relationships in a positive way. I have realized that to have good management of relationships, we need to be assertive and honest in sharing our thoughts, feelings and concerns. However, this needs to be done in a way that does not provoke the other party, but is instead respectful and encourages both parties to listen to each other. A good way to do this is through the communication technique of “I” Messages. In “I” messages, statements are made about ourselves, how we feel and our concerns, and what actions of the other party has led to the concerns. “You” messages focus on the other person and would usually lead the other party to become defensive unless the “You” message is a positive statement of the other person. For example, a husband or wife is waiting for the return of the spouse and when the spouse returns, he or she might be greeted by this: “You are always coming home late! Why can’t you come back earlier?” This “You” message leads to the spouse feeling blamed and attacked and the ensuing communication would likely not be an amiable one. In a conflicting situation, “You” message focuses on attacking the other person. As a result, the primary issues are pushed aside. In contrast, in this same scenario, an “I” message would look like this: “I feel rather lonely while waiting for you to come home. I’m concerned that you are often home late and I get rather frustrated wondering when you’re going to be home.” In this statement therefore, the speaker shares his or her feelings and concerns. The clear communication of the concern is a good starting point for both parties to work out what can be done about it. “I” messages are effective because the focus is on the issue or concern and not on the other person. The sharing of the speaker’s feelings can also lead to more trust in the relationship as it shows the speaker is willing to look within himself or herself and take responsibility for his or her feelings. In fact, generally in most interactions, my opinion is that the use of “I” messages is always superior to “You” messages and is a more respectful way of communicating. So, even when expressing positive feelings, a “You” message: “You look good in this dress”, could be enhanced by “I” messages: “I’m so happy to see you. I remember all the fun we used to have. You look good.” Generally, there are three parts to an “I” message: I feel _________________ (express your feeling) when you _____________ (describe the action that affects you or relates to the feeling) because _______________ (explain how the action affects you or relates to the feeling) The order in which the 3 parts are expressed is usually not important. Sometimes a fourth part might be added. This states our preference for what we would like to take place instead. Examples of more “I” messages: “I get very anxious when you raise your voice at me because it makes me feel like I’ve done something very wrong. Could you please not raise your voice when we talk?” “I’m so happy you’re learning to cook because then I’ll know you can prepare your own meal when I’m unable to be home in time to cook.” “When you take so long talking to your friend on the phone, I’m concerned that there might be urgent calls that cannot come through. Also, I feel frustrated as I would like to spend more time with you. How about asking your friend to call at another time, when I am not around.” Use of “I” messages might not come naturally to most people initially. However, with practice, you will be surprised at how you will begin to like this communication approach, especially when you begin to experience the good result of better quality interactions and more harmonious relationships. Reference: 1. http://www.succezz.com/S2/ForbiddenPsychologicalTactics.html 2. http://www.succezz.com/happy1.html 3. http://www.jacobgan.com/MotivateYourWayToSuccess.html

Jacob Gan — Sat, 08 Dec 2007 04:49:34 +0000

How to Detect the Warning Signs of Stress Early Stress is the bodily response to demands made upon it. It must be emphasized that stress is caused by our bodily reaction to the external events or environment, and not the external events or environment themselves. The similar external event, for example when asked to make a speech, can have very different responses from different people. Some people may view that as an opportunity to show off his skills or to express their view or even to improve their public speaking skills. On the other hand, some people may fear their speech will display their ignorance or incapability. While stress that is short and ends quickly may be good for the body, stress that goes on for a longer time without sufficient relief can cause much damage to not only our bodies but many other aspects of our lives, such as damage to our relationships or personalities. It is therefore vital that we are able to detect when that stress period and level exceeds the healthy limit. Fortunately, it is not too difficult to detect the warning signs of stress, although to detect the signs during the early stage of stress is not so straight forward. We shall discuss the warning signs and symptoms of stress under the following three categories: 1. Physical Signs of Stress In the presence of a stressor, the body responds by the release of adrenaline to enable it to take explosive actions for survival or high performance. If the stress is relieved, the body goes back to normal conditions. On the other hand, after prolong period of stressful conditions many other physical conditions begin to exhibit themselves. The apparent signs include - Heart beats faster and stronger - Perspiration increases resulting in sweaty hands/ palms and even sweats may appear all over the body (even during sleep) - Headaches and chronic pains in various parts of the body - Pain or tightness of the chest, neck, jaw and back muscles. The jaw may clench, the teeth may grit resulting in stuttering and other speech difficulties, and the muscles may tremble and twitch - Restlessness and nervous ticks - Skin crawls and pales. - Nausea and vomiting because the body tries to repulse foreign particles in the stomach. May also experience ‘Butterflies in stomach’ - Diarrhea because the colon work faster and repel the waste before it has absorbed the water (and other materials). The not so apparent physical signs of stress include - Blood pressure may rise significantly which is bad for the arteries and heart in the long run and in the short term the pressure may rise above what the body can cope for one who already has high blood pressure - Increased sugar and insulin levels in the bloodstream - Increased cholesterol in the bloodstream - Addition of coagulates to blood - Indigestion and constipation - Urinary hesitancy or increase frequency - Increased cortisone from adrenal glands - Increased thyroid hormone in bloodstream - Increased endorphins from hypothalamus - Decrease in sex hormones in the bloodstream - Premenstrual tension. - Fall sick more easily because of weaken immune system - Excessive fatigue 2. Emotional Signs of Stress Stress affects the emotional life too. It often causes emotional upsets in people such as - Aggression, hostility and jealousy. - Impatience, anger and anxiety. - Stammering and other speech difficulties - Loss of sexual desire and even infertility - Withdrawal from social life because of difficulty in coping with group situations. - Loss of peace of mind and become restless, anxious and feeling of insecurity - Nightmares as a natural attempt to solve problem during dreams - Emotional upsets - Loss of positive spirit and become critical - Impulsive behavior, irritable and moody - Irregular, over or under eating - Crying for no apparent reasons 3. Cognitive and Perceptive Signs of Stress Stress often leads to a significant decline in the cognitive faculties in human beings. People lose the capacity to think rationally such as - Forgetfulness and memory loss and people fail to remember even small things. - Carelessness and irresponsible acts - Lack of attention to detail and fail to think from a broader perspective - Compulsive behavior and loss of clear thinking ability - Reduced capacity to think creatively - Disorganization of thought and productivity falls. - Use of intoxicating substances such as cigarette, alcohol or drugs Some of these signs and symptoms, such as heart beat rate, blood pressure and blood sugar, can be measured objectively. For the rest, we have to rely on our own awareness and the alertness of other people around us to the signs and symptoms that we may exhibit. It is therefore vital that we observe and notice our own as well as others’ signs and symptoms of excessive stress so that corrective actions can be taken before stress take a better hold on us. We shall discuss the actions we can take to manage our stress and the stress of others around us in a separate article. Reference: 1. Stress the Silent Killer 1 in http://www.succezz.com/StresstheSilentKiller.html 2. Stress the Silent Killer 2 in http://www.succezz.com/stress1.html 3. The Power of Laughte in http://www.succezz.com/ThePowerofLaughter.html

How to Detect the Warning Signs of Stress Early

Jacob Gan — Sat, 08 Dec 2007 04:48:41 +0000

How to Detect the Warning Signs of Stress Early

Stress is the bodily response to demands made upon it. It must be emphasized that stress is caused by our bodily reaction to the external events or environment, and not the external events or environment themselves. The similar external event, for example when asked to make a speech, can have very different responses from different people. Some people may view that as an opportunity to show off his skills or to express their view or even to improve their public speaking skills. On the other hand, some people may fear their speech will display their ignorance or incapability.

While stress that is short and ends quickly may be good for the body, stress that goes on for a longer time without sufficient relief can cause much damage to not only our bodies but many other aspects of our lives, such as damage to our relationships or personalities.

It is therefore vital that we are able to detect when that stress period and level exceeds the healthy limit. Fortunately, it is not too difficult to detect the warning signs of stress, although to detect the signs during the early stage of stress is not so straight forward.

We shall discuss the warning signs and symptoms of stress under the following three categories:

1. Physical Signs of Stress

In the presence of a stressor, the body responds by the release of adrenaline to enable it to take explosive actions for survival or high performance. If the stress is relieved, the body goes back to normal conditions. On the other hand, after prolong period of stressful conditions many other physical conditions begin to exhibit themselves. The apparent signs include

- Heart beats faster and stronger
- Perspiration increases resulting in sweaty hands/ palms and even sweats may appear all over the body (even during sleep)
- Headaches and chronic pains in various parts of the body
- Pain or tightness of the chest, neck, jaw and back muscles. The jaw may clench, the teeth may grit resulting in stuttering and other speech difficulties, and the muscles may tremble and twitch
- Restlessness and nervous ticks
- Skin crawls and pales.
- Nausea and vomiting because the body tries to repulse foreign particles in the stomach. May also experience ‘Butterflies in stomach’
- Diarrhea because the colon work faster and repel the waste before it has absorbed the water (and other materials).

The not so apparent physical signs of stress include

- Blood pressure may rise significantly which is bad for the arteries and heart in the long run and in the short term the pressure may rise above what the body can cope for one who already has high blood pressure
- Increased sugar and insulin levels in the bloodstream
- Increased cholesterol in the bloodstream
- Addition of coagulates to blood
- Indigestion and constipation
- Urinary hesitancy or increase frequency
- Increased cortisone from adrenal glands
- Increased thyroid hormone in bloodstream
- Increased endorphins from hypothalamus
- Decrease in sex hormones in the bloodstream
- Premenstrual tension.
- Fall sick more easily because of weaken immune system
- Excessive fatigue

2. Emotional Signs of Stress

Stress affects the emotional life too. It often causes emotional upsets in people such as

- Aggression, hostility and jealousy.
- Impatience, anger and anxiety.
- Stammering and other speech difficulties
- Loss of sexual desire and even infertility
- Withdrawal from social life because of difficulty in coping with group situations.
- Loss of peace of mind and become restless, anxious and feeling of insecurity
- Nightmares as a natural attempt to solve problem during dreams
- Emotional upsets
- Loss of positive spirit and become critical
- Impulsive behavior, irritable and moody
- Irregular, over or under eating
- Crying for no apparent reasons

3. Cognitive and Perceptive Signs of Stress

Stress often leads to a significant decline in the cognitive faculties in human beings. People lose the capacity to think rationally such as

- Forgetfulness and memory loss and people fail to remember even small things.
- Carelessness and irresponsible acts
- Lack of attention to detail and fail to think from a broader perspective
- Compulsive behavior and loss of clear thinking ability
- Reduced capacity to think creatively
- Disorganization of thought and productivity falls.
- Use of intoxicating substances such as cigarette, alcohol or drugs

Some of these signs and symptoms, such as heart beat rate, blood pressure and blood sugar, can be measured objectively. For the rest, we have to rely on our own awareness and the alertness of other people around us to the signs and symptoms that we may exhibit. It is therefore vital that we observe and notice our own as well as others’ signs and symptoms of excessive stress so that corrective actions can be taken before stress take a better hold on us.

We shall discuss the actions we can take to manage our stress and the stress of others around us in a separate article.

Reference:
1. Stress the Silent Killer 1 in http://www.succezz.com/StresstheSilentKiller.html
2. Stress the Silent Killer 2 in http://www.succezz.com/stress1.html
3. The Power of Laughte in http://www.succezz.com/ThePowerofLaughter.html